I’m not kidding. I was racing through thoughts like an Olympic sprinter, arguing with the voices in my head about which of the clever things was going to be the title, which would be the closing gag… And of course, like a good dream, all the brilliance is gone with the daylight.

The basis of the brilliance was a list in my head of strengths and weaknesses. It’s been stuck in my head for a while now, although only rising to the surface recently (which is to say last night at 4:30 AM), that I have a real disconnect in my head between reality and desire when it comes to who and what I am. At least, I think I do; it’s either that, or maybe there’s a stronger duality inside of me than I’m willing to admit.

Taking personality tests has always been hard for me, partially because I know how they work, and therefore can do a fair job of skewing them whichever way happens to suit me at the moment. And partially becuase of the above disconnect: I have a really hard time, I think, sometimes, answering truthfully about myself — rather than answering a question with what I do, I answer with what I would ideally do. I don’t describe myself as I am, but as I wish I were.

For the most part, this isn’t really a problem, I suppose — I don’t give a fuck if some profile of me is accurate or not. I’d rather people get to know me before they start applying labels. But at least in the sense of self-examination, it makes things difficult. Trying to figure out who you are when you won’t admit the truth, even to yourself, is not the easiest of pursuits.

• So am I extroverted or introverted? Equal parts both, I think — I really do crave large crowds and attention and recognition, but I just as much demand my own time and space, alone whether surrounded by people or not. It just depends on the time of day.
• Do I think more with my head or my heart - am I a thinker or a feeler? To steal a bit from Daniel, “Which answer gets me the cookie?” Not to say that I choose between logic and gut based on reward — except, yeah, maybe I do. I value logic at times when it suits my ends, just as I validate choice by instinct for the same reason. Hmm. I’d guess, for testing purposes, I’d show up as about 60% thinker, 40% feel, but then, I may be overcompensating for what I wish were true (which is less logic, more gut).
• Intuition versus sensing — fuck, I don’t know. Ditto on the Judging/Perceiving.

Maybe I just fall outside of all the conventional wisdom. And that’s fine, too, but it sure would be nice if there were more resources for those of us that want to understand what’s going on in out heads but don’t really fit in with the average Joe.

Even on the list in my head of strengths and weaknessness, I can’t quite figure out where some of the traits go. For example: I can be manipulative (although, according to Melissa, it’s fairly transparent) — is that a strength (very useful) or a weakness? Most people would be able to figure at least that much out — but then, tops on my list straddling the line is “overly analytical.”

If you’re bored, or want way too much of a glance into my head, or just need something that’s an easy target for amusement and humor, you can click on the little thumbnail for a bigger version of my hand-drawn list of me. Or maybe just my misconceptions of me. Or maybe just handwriting for the FBI to analyze one day.

the days go by
and nothing brings me joy
the glow was strong
when i was a boy
but it’s gone
-Blackfield, GLOW

But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?